- Life is hard
Reminiscing back on high school days or university days when you thought life was hard, you realise it really wasn’t. Life was simple and easy, without financial burden because everyone was poor and it was cool. Uni fees were on the ‘deal with that later’ tab, your parents or the government helped with rent, your friends were on the same schedule, it was acceptable to not go to the dentist for 3 years, because you know, $200 would buy a lot of Goon and Mie Goreng. Now, life is hard. You gotta pay for so much shit. The government wants you to pay back your debt, none of your friends are ever free at the same time, your parents are being super passive aggressive and all like “so great that we don’t have to worry about you now.” No, please worry, I’m still poor. Send me money. So under all this adult stress, pub?
2. Office birthdays
It’s important be friendly and approachable in the office, that way you are always invited to all birthday drinks. Go make friends with Susan the accountant, Frank the general manager and if you are really committed, make friends with Karen the CEO, those birthday drinks will have Veuve at the very least. Or if you are an office coordinator of sorts, make up birthdays for random employees on days where life is hard.
3. Hung over
Lunch time wines are the best way to cure a hang over. This is easiest to execute on a Friday, as Monday midday wines doesn’t roll of the tongue as smoothy as Friday pub lunch. To get you through till that precious lunchtime bell, you can hide a hydralyte/berocca in your coffee keeper cup. Highly recommend the Frank Green ones, not see through, can’t see any consistency of the liquid it contains.
You can rate their level of passive aggressive comments to how many wines you’re entitled to drink at the end of the day.
“Have you not sent that email?” – 1 wine.
“You’re going to say that?” – 2 wines.
“No, its fine, don’t worry about it. Its up to you.” – 3 wines.
“I don’t want to step on your toes” – 4 wines.
“Just letting you know its 10 to 3, deadline is 3.” – 5 wines.
“I just have high expectations, thats all.” – Winery.
5. You’ve just moved house
First up, moving is a massive punch in the face. So just drink the whole way through that. Once moved, you must find your new local. Like any long term relationship it is important to nurture this budding flirtation in the beginning to maximise its strength for the future. Once you’ve found your place, you must visit at least three times a week in the beginning. This ensures they start to commit your face to their long term memory, or even better they remember your name. Once you’re on first name basis with bartenders / wait staff, the perks can begin. You never know when that first free drink will come, it could be a ‘welcome to the neighbourhood, on the house’ or ‘rough day *insert name*? Here have one on us!’ But rest assured, it’s coming.
6. Cause Wednesday
Hump day etc etc. Cheers.